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Words in parens are mine (I can't help myself)
Q: Hi Laurie,
This might be a tough one for you (rocket science, I know). I have been dating this girl for about six months now. She has two kids, ages four and six, from a previous marriage that ended about two years ago. The ex-husband cheated on her and was extremely controlling - did not show her love and is a dead-beat dad as well (yeah, yeah heard it all before, wake me when we get to the good part).
When her and I first met (ack, nails on a chalkboard: she and I, she and I, please), we both evaluated our true intentions and came to the conclusion (they evaluated! they concluded!) that we wanted to spend quality time together and (screw and) get to know each other. After only two months we had become intimate and were spending ever day/night together. I would drive over to her house to visit her and the kids, we would spontaneously (combust and) go on trips, go biking, play tennis, watch movies, cook together...lots of fun stuff (ollie ollie out and free)!
Now, it all seemed to be going wonderfully until I brought up the topic "relationship" (you're such a girl). The reason I brought it up during a discussion was to find out if she was "exclusively" (now, you're a pre-op) seeing me and considered me to be her "boyfriend" (Dr., cut them off; it's as if they're gone already).
Needless to say, I should have taken our being together as proof of such exclusivity, however, I wanted to hear it from her (actions speak louder than words buddy I mean missy). She did not like that topic at all. In fact she has said to me how she never wanted a serious relationship from the beginning and things went WAY too fast. She said she allowed me to get close to the kids too fast and though they love being around me she feels that things need to slow down.
Laurie, as you've stated in many responses, communication is the key. I felt that our communication was open and honest. Perhaps I didn't want to HEAR that she never wanted a serious relationship? She asked me what more I wanted out of all of this. I responded telling her that everything was great the way it was and that I have no intention of moving together with her or marrying, however, I wanted confirmation from her that we were an exclusive couple. She said that obviously I'm the only guy she hangs out with so we're exclusive. She says that relationships come with drama and she doesn't want that in her life.
Currently, I find myself in a situation where I go to visit her, spend time with her kids, cook for them etc - I'm showing her how much I love and care for her, I've verbally expressed this as well...but nothing is coming back. I guess part of me wants to feel loved by her and I'm not feeling it. The kids however seem to absorb and send back the love I give to them (use the kids, good angle).
I'm so confused Laurie - though I'm a (eunuch) man, more on the sensitive side (cough, gay), I want to know what is right for me. Is she keeping me around for her convenience? Her most recent words were that she feels relationships are DOOMED from the get-go.
A: Dear HELP!
Everyone is needy but some of us are better at hiding it than.you. You're making this woman and her sponges into human crutches. And since she put up with a sh*t heel ex she's not so great at telling you your neediness is driving her bonky (not to mention away). Basically once you're weaned (for some that's never, others 40+) you and your needs are your own. No one owes you. No one is put on this planet to satisfy needs you can't satisfy yourself.
The two of you did move too fast, but most all couples do so no newsflash there. If fast-moving couples make it they manage to muddle their way through the initial flurry and settle into something more real. You are currently in the muddle. My Barry-Manilow prediction: looks like we (didn't) made it! Oh and shame on this woman for allowing you quick access to her kids. She is their mother, their protector, their role model and not a great one at that.
Your friend CHOSE to marry a controlling, dead beat and doesn't think she wants drama? Oh, please, drama is all this woman knows. My point? This gal leads an unexamined life and does not take responsibility: for her past bad hubby situation, for letting you in so quickly, for her inability to communicate and for her come here/go away behavior which is why she's over reacting/inappropriately reacting/immaturely reacting to your request about exclusivity (and you're a wuss for pushing the issue so early on. My gut is she was subtly pulling away, you were sensing it and your way of trying to get close again was to pull a classic XX by asking "where is this going". Pull up your panties and continue reading.)
The Not-so-Short Answer: Should a mate be willing to meet some of our needs? Yes! Should they be obligated to? No and, most importantly, we should not fall apart when they don't or are unable to. You call it sensitive. I call it emotionally dependent. Let's call the whole thing off.
Knowing what you know about this woman now, you need to ask yourself why you continue to try and get love from her when she's not interested or able. You write, " I'm showing her how much I love and care for her, I've verbally expressed this as well...but nothing is coming back." Her actions or lack thereof have spoken. What don't you get?
How is it that Newton got it right back in 1687 and we're still puzzling over all this today:
Law of Inertia (#1): Objects at rest stay at rest. Or we do not change others . We can only control/change ourselves.
Law of Historical Development (#2): The rate of change of the momentum of a body is directly proportional to the net force acting on it (hint: you're the net force so quit it).
Law of Reciprocal Actions (#3): For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Or the more you push forward the more she's going push back. Stop pushing.
Perhaps she'll come around, but if you're lucky she won't. In the meantime (while you're prepping for surgery) back off, leave the kids alone, get your own life, learn what you can about yourself from this situation and move on.