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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie:

It will be a year and five months tomorrow since I've been with my boyfriend. We met in college an are now going through a long distance relationship, which has been going on since July 2000. Since then things of course haven't been the same. He would visit me once a month plus on holidays. I now haven't seen him since this past Thanksgiving. He's trying to get his finances straightened out, by working two jobs and we don't get a chance to talk as much, if any. It'll be two weeks since I've heard from him and he hasn't responded to my page or e-mail. I personally feel stronger about the long distance relationship lasting or going the way I would like it to. What do you think?

A: Okay, help me understand something. Your relationship is now long distance, you see him less than ever before, he hasn't responded to your page or email for the last two weeks yet you "personally feel stronger about the long distance relationship"? Squeeze me? Somebody ain't smelling the caffeine here or there's a bad connection in our keyboards or your name is Susie Sunshine or I'm out of ideas.

Of the seventeen months you have been dating the last seven have been long distance--getting close to that 50/50 mark as in almost 50% of the total time you've been together has been spent apart. While absence can make the heart grow fonder of a far away loved one, absence can also make the heart grow fonder of a closer someone else. I'm thinking this is a case of the latter.

You say boyfriend is busy holding down two jobs and trying to make ends meet. He's busy making ends meet alright, just not your two ends. I understand he's short on finances which curtails monthly meetings but how about a lousy phone call? If he's got enough money for a pager (unless it's company financed) he's got enough money to give you a call--make a quick one on company time for god's sake (do you know how many relationships are subsidized by Corporate America?) And hey, email is FREE!!!!! When people are down-in-the-dumps miserable they rely on close friends and lovers to keep them afloat. Those are the people they turn to first for solace. And he ain't turning to you.

How can I make myself heard above the overwhelming din of self delusion? No response is a response! True to typical male behavior (I didn't say "all"; I know there are some sensitive types out there) he doesn't want to deal anymore and therefore is not dealing. Is his behavior lame? Yes. Is his behavior confusing? No.

Let us quickly revisit: "no response is a response." You need to open up your perspective a bit to wrap your brain around this one. Picture an image in black and white. Most people tend to focus on the black or positive part of the image. But there's all that white or negative space too which helps define the other. I consider a "response" the black or positive part of the relationship image and a "non-response" the white or negative space part of the picture. White space is equally informative. Get it?

The Short Answer: Many relationships established in college go by the way side once you enter the "real" world; it's that graduate in the candy store idea. Assuming your dude isn't dead or severely injured I would say he's giving you the old blow off and, assuming I'm correct, he's a wimpy ass. If this is your first experience with getting dumped prepare for the four stages of grief: pain and sadness, followed by pain and sadness, followed by pain and sadness, followed by a lifelong bout of extreme anger and bitterness.

Sorry to be the bearer of reality. Of course, I could be wrong, but unfortunately, I never am. Proceed accordingly and good luck.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie