Back | Forward

Ask Laurie

Q: About 5 months ago my girlfriend of six years broke the relationship off siting confusion and unsurity about further commitment. I saw her off and on again for about the next two months, and then I simply couldn't handle it anymore. I broke off contact and haven't seen much of her since. I saw her recently at a mutual friend's Christmas party and a week later she called inviting me to a hockey game. Box seats. All expenses paid. The works. On New Year's Eve.

Why would she want to take me of all people? I have had little to no contact with her and she has a few other people that she could take besides me. Is this the first step in reconciliation, or is it simply a nice thing to do? I don't want to get hurt again but this whole thing has given me a lot of potentially false hope.

Signed: Utterly Confused

A: Dear Mein Utter Conf,

Six YEARS! Wow. I first read six MONTHS and thought: "oh BFD, I've got bigger woes to fry" but upon closer examination...well, I got it now. So, she broke off the relationship citing "confusion and unsurity about further commitment," eh? Did she cite the statute in its entirety or just paragraph 3? And one more thing--she have a lawyer present? Because if she didn't that could change everything.

What is up with not knowing how you feel about someone after SIX (6) years. That's 2,190 days or 52,560 hours or 3,153,600 minutes. You better believe if someone was patient enough to give me 3 million+ minutes to figure out how I felt about something I'd come up with a pretty solid answer.

Please prepare yourself for the 10-foot wave that's coming in because I'm about to lay it on the line for you mister: ambivalence IS an answer. The FACT that your girlfriend can't say she unequivocally wants to be with you after six years is answer enough. I know you're doing the achey breaky heart dance right now (extended mix) but harboring hopes of reconciliation will only prolong it. So she happens to run into and offers you a LAST-MINUTE invite?!?!?!? What a princess! You know what you can tell her to do with her box and her seats? Have a little pride bud. Tell her you've got better things to do like clip your toenails or scrub the soap scum from your tub!

This woman obviously has strong feelings for you or she wouldn't have spent SIX years with you. Naturally, she misses you. Adjusting to being alone is scary and next to impossible after such a long relationship. Seeing you at this party jump starts all sorts of hopes, fantasies and "if onlys". I'm sure her efforts, to some degree, are based on genuine feeling but for the most part I'd be very suspicious (and good luck re-establishing any trust you once had). She's a girl on the rebound and she's going to bounce whoever crosses her path and if you go sit in her box well, she's going to bounce you. Don't get me wrong; chances are great the two of you will fall back into coupledom for 2 or 4 or 6 months but mark my LoveLogic words, it won't work out for good (sorry). BUT you could have some awesome break-up sex...

Now, this is the part where I slap you around a bit (more). If your lover no longer wants to be with you, hey, free country, right? But for her to stand on one foot, then the other and ask you to live in the shadow of a falling hammer--hey, that's thoughtless and mean and puts you in the world's biggest no-win position:

1. You can lie down and let her walk ambivalently all over you as she tries to figure herself out OR

2. You can get angry (a natural response to feeling rejected) but she'll just use that as an excuse to make up her mind and leave OR

3. You can bend over backwards and try to be the world's most perfect, best-est boyfriend hoping she'll wake up one day and realize how much she really loves you OR, OR, OR...get my drift?

The kinder, gentler, more adult approach would have been for her to make an independent decision (one that does not require you to stand by and experience the emotional equivalent of a sharp stick in the eye) and tell you things aren't working/not sure why/good-bye (time-lapse writing).

The Short Answer: You're sad. You're hurting. You feel terribly rejected. The quickest way to (temporarily) stem this gut-wrenching heartache is to get back together. Well...WAKE UP! You've already invested six years. If you guys were meant to be together you'd be together already, commited, married etc. I know it's hard to make sense of it all right now but like it or not it is time to move along/nothing to see here. Go ahead and spend New Year's Eve with Miss Iffy--pick that scab off. Pick it good. After you're good and sick of her shenanigans you'll have plenty of time to grow a new one.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie