Back | Forward

Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

About 6 months ago I met a wonderful guy online. We hit it off right from the start, talked everyday for hours. I met him a couple of months ago and we had the same chemistry in person as we did online. I plan to visit him in December. Then in February he will be visiting me. We are very much in love and feel we have found our soul mates. The problem is he lives in London and I live in Miami. We are thinking of getting a fiance visa and getting married so we can be together. I really feel I can spend the rest of my life with this man. Can this really work?

Signed: Missing my other half

A: Dear Other Half,

Congrats on meeting a guy who makes you swoon. What a great feeling. Yay, fun, whoop de whoop. Sha na na etc etc.

I am of four minds on this one.

Mind 1: Carpe Diem (that's Latin for "scale the fish"). The idea here is you only live once and if you've never scaled a fish before well, high time! You're embarking on life altering (potentially threatening) decisions while at the mercy of your hormones--ahhh, well so what; you only live once.

Mind 2: Oh dear god, you foolish fool you. You're making decisions about moving half way around the world while at the mercy of your hormones. Get a hold of yourself. Go directly to some form of sanity--do not pass go, do not collect $200. Clear your head, cross your legs then let's talk.

Mind 3: Hold it just one online minute here. Stop the internet music. What's the big hurry? You just met six measly months ago--that's only two seasons. Don't you know you should at least see how a man dresses through four seasons before embarking on rash decision making? How do you know this guy isn't a fashion nightmare not to mention a freak just waiting to happen? Do you even have any support system once overseas? Oy!

Mind 4: You've met THE ONE. Fan-fucking-tastic! And you met him online and he lives half way around the world. What a great story to tell your grandchildren.

I'm going to assume you've had all of these thoughts at one point or another but want me to play bad cop and set you straight. Okay, I will.

Thoughts on love and distance:

Great classics and devastating wars would not have been written or fought throughout history if admiring from afar weren't so much more appealing than relating up close. Ever heard: "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Oh, yeah, that.

In a nutshell, indications that a relationship is a goner take about 4 times as long to compute through a long-distance lens while all things good get magnified 10 fold. Extrapolating further: as the weaker bad signals take their old sweet time to hit home the super duper goddamn good feelings are flying in fast and furiously. Caution: people may appear cooler and more awesome from far away than they actually are in real life (therefore the making of serious decisions while under the influence of distance is not recommended).

Then there's the issue of post-long distance or being in the same place. It's next to impossible to maintain the long-distance romantic, wooing levels of emotion and activity once living in distance is eliminated. Just so you know, there's a period of serious adjustment and, often times, let down. Like it or not you will have to land at some point.

Doom and gloom aside, "Can this really work?"

The Short Answer: Sure it can, but I would caution you to take your time!! The two of you are veritable strangers. You're willing to uproot your life/get married (!!) over a few months of phone calls and emails and one in-person meeting!? Hellooooo? "Earth to other half. Come in Other Half." If you two are truly soul mates then taking another six to twelve months to get to know each other's souls better will only enhance your soulful lives...Peace dudes.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie