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Q: Laurie, I've got a bf now, I know he's a good guy--responsible, care about me, tolerant, etc. But I just can't have a feeling about him. On the other hand, people say "you're 28 already, it's time to get married." You know when people say this on and on and on, you start to believe it. But, I just don't want to get married, at least not for the moment. Actually, I am not satisfied with his figure, he's a little bit overweight and my favorite is that kind of guy with moderate figure. I know it doesn't sound like a reasonable excuse--people always say the most important is people's inside rather than outside. I understand that, but still, I don't have any "desire" about him. Is it normal? Anything I can do to improve this situation? In fact I think he's a good candidate to be a husband, but not the one to be the ideal lover. Looking forward you comment on this. I believe your input will be enlightening for me. Thanks...
Signed: Christine in China
A: Hello Christine in China!
Would everybody please say "hi" to Christine in China: Hi Christine. Welcome and thank you for typing your way to LoveLogic--glad to hear I've gone international.
When I'm on a date, if I'm having a decent time of it (i.e. engaged and engaging in interesting/funny/fun conversation and not saddled with some arrogant little monster) I ask myself: "Hey, Laurie would you like to lean over the table and kiss the sky I mean kiss this guy?" And if I think, "Yeah, you know I really would," then I figure I'm having a pretty decent date and will sign on for the extended plan and proceed to date number two. Whether I do or don't date again or kiss is not the issue. The point is do I WANT to? And the point for you my dear is the same. Aside from everyone else's unasked for opinion, what does Christine WANT to do? You know exactly how you feel--why, in fact, you've told me. Your problem is you're letting other people fuck with your head--a surefire recipe for disaster (and divorce)!
"I know it doesn't sound like a reasonable excuse--people always say the most important is people's inside rather than outside." Oh my god. You can't hear this but I'm pretending to cough right now and mixed in with this fake coughing sound I'm saying "bullshit" under my breath like. Doesn't translate well on the page but you get my drift or hopefully someone out there does. Christine in China, listen up: It's your LIFE we're talking about here. And if you're set on a path of unfulfilled misery and sadness then by all means listen to everyone else and marry your full-figured, 19-hour bra man! On the other hand, if you value yourself and trust your instincts then tell your good-candidate boyfriend as kindly as you can that you have enjoyed your experiences with him but it is time to move on.
"...I think he's a good candidate to be a husband, but not the one to be the ideal lover." Christine, this is not a job interview. Dating and marriage are SUPPOSED to be joyous pursuits, theoretically anyway. It is a matter of the heart AND head. Except for the first few months of infatuation no one is ideal. As much as we all hate to acknowledge this: no one is perfect. Let's have a moment of silence for that sad realization. How disappointing too since Disney trained us all so early and so well to expect Prince Charming to gallop to our rescue.
Chris, if all your friends think it's time to get married well shit, who's stopping them?! And if they think Mr. Pudge will do, well it sounds like you'd be happy to step aside and hand him over.
"Anything I can do to improve this situation?" Yeah, get out.
The Short Answer: Every happily married person I've ever talked to said they "knew" pretty quickly that their mate was right for them. It was a gut reaction that just felt right. Now this "right" person may still do things that bug the living hell out of you but you can accept those hell-bugging parts because the other 80% is okay. Christine, it doesn't sound to me like you have the other 80% or 50% or, well, you get the picture. What you have is a deal breaker. If he were superb in every other way and was still overweight, could you get over it? Maybe. But maybe not and that's okay too.
I find that each boyfriend teaches us something invaluable for our next relationship: you've learned to trust your moderate gut and shy away from others' overweight ones.
Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie