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Ask Laurie

Q: I'm turning 18 next year and this 28 year-old guy, who only looks 19, likes me and I like him, but I'm not sure I should go out with him.

A: Dear Jail Bate:

Let me get this straight: you're 17 (turning 18 NEXT year--17 one year, 18 the next...funny how that works) looking to date a 28 year old?!?!?!?!? No way I say. No, wait, did I say "no way"? I meant no fucking way. God help me...and you...and HIM...god help each and every one of US!

So he looks 19; that's like telling me he's right-handed. I don't care what he looks like. Do I look like I care what he looks like? What was it I didn't say that made you think I cared about what he looks like? Let me be perfectly clear: Looks shmooks.

I once dated a guy who didn't look his age which basically translated directly into: he didn't act his age (B-A-D, bad.) Internalizing society's younger perception of yourself can stunt some people's emotional growth. They don't look grown up therefore aren't expected to grow up/act grown up and so they don't grow up. This leads into the notion of cultural perception--society has certain expectations of people at certain ages. Granted, we do not want to run our lives by others perceptions but nor do we want to live completely outside the range that is acceptable (hint: Mr. Jail-Baiter is outside normal ranges. Statistically speaking we would call him an outlier. Guys like these throw the bell curve WAY OFF...)

At certain ages we do certain things to further our growth as individuals, i.e., between the ages of about 27-42 men look for appropriate partners to MARRY (not go to Britney Spears concerts with, and would somebody please tell that girl's mother to put some clothes on her already?!) ANYWAY, as I was saying, looks aside, fact o' the matter is boyfriend is: 28. That's 5 score and 3 as opposed to your 3 score and 2--in other words NO SCORE. Does that help clarify the matter? Thought so. He's 28, ALMOST 30, and the best he can do is cradle rob a 17 year old???? Spooky. Creepy. Cruddy. Gross. Excuse me while I puke and brush my teeth...

I'm back: seems to me I've heard this story before like as the lead headline for the 6 o'clock news: "28 year-old pervert weirdo molests and leaves for dead 17 year-old naïve hopeful looking for true love in all the wrong places." Don't you wonder what a supposedly-grown man wants with a slightly post-pubescent teenage girl? I men, duh, we know what he wants but why can't he go pick on someone his own age? Because he's too emotionally ill-equipped to appeal to a grown woman his own age. THAT'S WHY!

And don't give me the American Beauty scenario--that's the movies honey and the character that Kevin Spacey (aka: hottie) played and won the oscar for is as fucked in the head as your potential molester I mean lover. I know, I know--with impressionable youths like yourself--I'm not supposed to emphatically tell you what you should and should not do because then, the math follows, you'll do exactly what I say you should NOT do and you won't do exactly what I say you SHOULD. But guess what?! I'm going to give you a little more credit than that. I am going to assume you have a brain inside that raging hormone/slightly befuddled head of yours (double reverse psychology with back flip; degree of difficulty: 5.6). I'm going to figure that you'll take what I say with a small grain of Kosher rock salt and make an intelligent, well thought out decision for yourself based on all the gripping arguments I have set forth. And if you don't well, then I'll keep a lookout for you on channel 7...

The Short Answer: J.B. go find yourself a nice 18, 19, or 20 year old. Preferably someone with whom you have shared interests beyond playing hide the salami (not a bad game but it's nice to have stuff to talk about afterwards.) In the meantime stop hanging around, e-mailing, phoning, psychically conjuring this 28 year-old mo. Let him be someone else's therapy problem--I guarantee, in a few years time you'll heartily thank me.

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie

P.S. To "Jabbering Genitals" with the talking penis: two enthusiastic johnsons UP for your creativity. Now get back to work.