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Ask Laurie

Q: Hi Laurie,

I am a 58 year-old woman who is married to a 68 year-old man. He is a good man and we have been married for 42 years, but our sex life is nil and I am a very passionate woman that has needs. My dilemma is this: I have met this other man on the internet that I really care about. We have never met and I have tried to cut it off with him it leaves me in tears for days. Is there something wrong with me? We have verbal sex on the internet and it is wonderful and he tells me he is even more wonderful in person. Don't know what I should do--stay with the one I married who is good to me in other ways or go with the one that fulfills my fantasies as a lover? He, too, is wonderful and very caring, tender, loving, romantic and sexual in all the ways that I desire.

Signed: What to do?

A: Dear What-to-do-to-whom:

Life sure was a lot simpler a few short decades ago, I tell you. It was an innocent time when horny wives simply banged the milkman and then went about cleaning house. And horny men? Well, since time immemorial, they simply bent a secretary or two over the desk and that was that. There was none of this should-I-leave-my-wife/husband for a good lay; not a lot of it that was serious anyway. People didn't leave their husbands/wives for mistresses (mister-esses?) for a variety of reasons the biggest one being that you'd have to stop calling them "mistress". No one likes a name change mid-story--it's very confusing.

What the hell is going on today, I ask you? The internet, that's what. Logging on has become the panacea for every trial and tribulation on the home front. Don't get me wrong--I love the internet. Why, just this morning, I was thinking of doing a "cherry pop" jamboree for today's column (many young girls are concerned about the pain aspect). I gathered all sorts of interesting factoids from the world wide web on this hot topic like in 1994 the Japan Times reported that the "Seoul Civil court ordered a hospital to pay $6,200 in damages for tearing a patient's hymen during a routine uterine examination," oh, but I digress.

Okay, so sex is non-existent for this "very passionate woman that has needs." Amen to women's needs and knowing you have them. I hear you. Have you ever thought to talk to your husband about these needs? Have you ever once had a sex conversation with your partner of 42 years??? If not, shame on you. If not, why not? If not, get off the internet, i.e., fantasy central and schedule a date with your real-live HUSBAND.

If, on the other dinner-for-one hand, you have talked about this with your hubby, all to no avail, well then I do think a Plan B is in order. And internet man ain't it. Believe me. He is a figment of your imagination, period, exclamation point. What man wouldn't want to talk dirty with a woman online? How safe. How easy! What man wouldn't say he's even more wonderful in person? Duh. Even at the wise age of 58 you are currently operating under a (verbal) sex haze. Danger! Danger Will Robinson! Your current decision-making abilities are about as good as those comatose band members on the Titanic.

WAKE UP and smell the burning reality. Your internet man is a fantasy and that is all! You've never even met him for god's sake. So you get off with your keyboard lover. That's nice and tidy, isn't it? You never have to smell his occasionally unpleasant breath or wash any mussed up sheets. Everything is just cyber perfect! And I'll bet just about anything that he wants to keep it that way. You can't be serious that you think this guy really wants you to leave your husband to start a life with him. Good lord! The Short Answer: Get off the internet. Leave yourself in tears for a few days if you have to--you'll live. You're killing off a fantasy and that's worth a tear or two. Then sit down dry-eyed and clear-headed and ask yourself if you are ready to leave your husband. Are you ready to call it quits on your own without the crotch crutch or the keyboard-equivalent of a talking dildo? Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't. But therein lies the issue. Maybe you're finally waking up to your needs (married at 16 for cry eye!) and the finite-ness of your time on this earth. Maybe this is a gyration you go through every few years. Whatever the case may be you've got a tough decision before you but a decision that deserves to be made with a sound mind and unencumbered vagina. Have courage to realize your full potential, but don't sell yourself short with just any portal in a storm.

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie