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Ask Laurie

Q: Why do women say that they want to screw your brains out and let you feel them up, and then, the next time you see them it's: "DON'T touch--my religion won't let me fool around. But I find you sexually attractive, and want you." BUT??????????????????

Signed: Greg

A: Dear Greg:

"Why do women say that they want to screw your brains out and let you feel them up, and then," abruptly dash your hopes of hiding the big salami? Uhm, because all women are cock teases??? Could that be it? I mean, like, don't you know that?

Yes, Greg, it's true! In fact, The National Coalition for Women Cock Teasers reports that the national average of cock-teasing women has risen 26% over the past decade as compared to the previous decade. Why the significant increase? Because of guys like you!

Let me bring the conundrum home for you. Have you ever started to do something and then thought better or differently of it--as in decided not to do said thing? I mean have you ever gotten up on a Saturday morning all set to go fishing with the boys and then half-way through your bowl o' Wheaties thought, you know what, I would much rather stay home and paint the porch today and, even though you gave your friends a verbal commitment, you call them up and renege. And, because they're your friends, and expect you to cut them the same slack should the situation present itself in the reverse, they accept your declination and go on their merry-fishin' way sans toi. And you proceed to paint the porch a ravishing shade of chartreuse with mauve trim and think, what a good-porch painter am I.

Hey, Greg, sometimes people have changes of heart. SOMETIMES, when people aren't entirely comfortable doing something they haven't done a lot, with a person they haven't done a lot with, they get a little scared and have second thoughts about doing things, that only moments earlier, they THOUGHT they would feel okay about. You know that saying: "keep your eye on the prize" Gregory? Well, the prize here is the woman you nimrod NOT the hot-beef injection Mr. Horndog. Focus on making sure the woman you're with is okay (comfortable, safe, content) and maybe then you'll get "some" next time.

AND if you check in with her and she's not okay and wants to stop/not "do it" don't huff and puff and roll your eyes, stomp your feet and whine or she might mistake you for the baby that you are. Whining in bed (and elsewhere) is sooooo unattractive unless you're too and then it's still unattractive but to be expected and therefore acceptable.

A note about "my religion...": Occasionally, AFTER the sex act, non-religious women will appear to have temporarily found religion by moaning and groaning half-intelligibly about "Oh, god" this and "Jesus" that. While it is clear the supplicant has reached a transcendent state of euphoria (a look quite akin to the facial expressions on the umpteen million statues you'll find in any one of a bazillion churches and cathedrals by the way) it is UNclear whether this counts as a true spiritual transformation. For fear of going straight to hell (minus the hand basket) I'm going to stop right here. (Greg, I'm thinking at this point in your sexual odyssey it seems you need not concern yourself with this phenomenon. In other words, don't expect miracles.)

The Short Answer: (sung to the tune of "Valerie")--Gregor-YYYY! Gregor-OOOO! Gregor-YYYY! Gregor-O! O! O! O! O! O! That's it: O! Gregor, my humble suggestion to you is simple--keep your eye on the girl and the "O" and you'll be half way home to nirvana--I promise.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie