Can I Hear Me Now? (or Chewing to Nirvana) 

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relationship adviceRaise your hand if, during the past two weeks, you’ve said or felt, “I’m so busy I can’t think straight? Calgon, take me away!” (minus the Calgon part). You can’t see me, but my hand is up.

Our society is big on staying busy. Busy infers you are getting things done. If you are getting things done you are productive and everyone prefers a do’er over a catatonic slob. Being productive keeps food on the table and the electricity on. It keeps you from singing the “Ain’t Got No” song from the musical “Hair” which goes something like ain’t got no job, ain’t go home, ain’t got no shoes, ain’t got no underwear etc which ain’t got no happy ending and so we’re moving on.

But sometimes we over-schedule as a way to avoid things we’d rather not think about, big picture questions like: is this the right job/city/relationship (fill in blank) for me? In order to evaluate and set appropriate goals we need to get quiet. And that’s hard.

To get quiet, centered and recharged one needs space and time. It means saying no/sorry/can’t when friends and family try to make plans. Would you blow off a scheduled work meeting? I doubt it or you’d be singing the ain’t-got-no-job line (see above). Self-time is as important as a business meeting. I suggest you put actually put it on your calendar so when Julie calls you to go surfing, play volleyball or mushroom hunting you say, I would love to, but I can’t. I have a prior commitment. I have to meet with me.

So, you’ve carved out some self-time (congratulations). The phone is off. Now what?

Time to meditate.

Did I lose you? Hello? Please come back. I’m not done and it’s not what you think. Mediation is not just for cushion-sitters anymore.

I’ve tried meditating and I’m lousy at it. The whole sit-uncomfortably-on-a-cushion thing. Yeah no. And when I say, tried it I mean 7-months-at-a-Zen-Center-tried-it (so, it’s official). I have either become agitated waiting for the buzzer to go off or fallen asleep.

Imagine how grateful I was to hear Buddhist Jack Kornfield offer up the alternative of Eating Mediation and Walking Meditation? In other words, being present, mindful and aware during a chosen activity (and sleeping is not an activity). If you are eating an apple, be present to eating an apple (it tastes differently, I swear). When I am out walking, I am present to the walk—I appreciate the tree with the peeling bark, the scent of a Lincoln rose, the feeling of the ground beneath my feet (heel, toe, heel, toe).

Am I solving life’s giant hairballs when I do these things? Not directly, no, but I am teaching myself what it is to tune in. I am creating a platform from which solutions and answers can bubble up. When they do I can recognize them.

I call it: listening to the whispers. If you can hear them, they’ve got a lot to say. Chew softly.

 

 

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:
“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
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Be a “Been There, Done That” Master

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The Five Stages of Being Single (Again)

relationship advice

Natural takes work.

Whether you were the dumper or dumpee makes little difference when re-adjusting to Lifestyles of the Moderately Well Paid and Single. Lucky for all of us psychologists have painstakingly researched the healing process. Will this information help speed recovery? No, but isn’t it reassuring to point out where you are on the continuum while lying curled up and sniveling on the floor?

Because being single is not addictive this process occurs in stages not steps and there are only five of them (you get seven off for relatively good behavior I suppose).

Stage 1: Denial

Denial is nice and straightforward. It’s a near Herculean mental commitment to the prior status quo. It goes something like this: “I still have a boyfriend. I just won’t be seeing him…ever again.”

Stage 2: Anger

The Anger stage is full of foot stomping and whiney wails of “Why me!?” and “Why not my bitch neighbor?!”

Stage 3: Bargaining

Bargaining often takes place before the loss, so why it’s number three is a mystery to me. Unless you’re psychic or a compulsive planner skip this stage and go directly to depression (Stage 4!)

Deal-making is indicative of the Bargaining Stage. “Buying a condo” or “announcing an IPO” are not examples of Bargaining stage deal making. Similar to Lent or avoiding yeast products during Passover Bargaining type deals require sacrifice, i.e. swearing off manicures or six months of massages in return for whomever you have lost.

Stage 4: Depression

Scouting out tall bridges and clocking fast-moving busses are favorite passtimes of Anger and Bargaining graduates. Do try and refrain from performing irreversible acts of Depression since Acceptance of your lousy state of affairs is right around the corner!

Stage 5: Acceptance

Acceptance is the final stage of Being Single. And it’s a hard one! You have to be content with what you don’t want: your singlehood! And no faking it either (that’s for later—when you’re no longer single…)

Acceptance requires washing off the putridly sweet Eau de Desperation you’ve been dousing yourself in and replacing it with the intoxicating yet sophisticated scent of Contentment. Men come running out of the woodwork at near illegal speeds when they catch the tiniest whiff of true Contentment (Eau de Desperation causes an equal yet opposite effect).

Acceptance is one of those enlightenment things. If that’s too heavy for you buy one of those mini babbling brooks (complete with rocks and motor) for $49.95 and call it a day.

 

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:
“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
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Living in the (ex’s) Lap of Luxury (or squalor) Ain’t Living

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relationship advice

I’m not pointing fingers but…

Have you and your live-in beloved lost that loving feeling (whoa, that loving feeling)? Then time to lose that mortgage or lease the two of you signed together as well. Time to pack your emotional bags, sing the “Annie” song and get your own lap to lay in! And here’s why:

1.One of these things ain’t liking the other. One of these things
just doesn’t belong.

A love relationship can and should have friendship qualities but the one reason we all put up with her (cute) whining and his (endearing) beer gut is that we get that one very unique, non-friend goodie at the end of the rainbow: sex! And once two people have been to the moon by the light of each other’s moon there’s no going back through the friendship door. Living with your ex is like living with the ghost of relationships past—poltergeist material: Get Out!

2. Couples are like democrats and republicans—they never feel the same way about the big issue: each other.

One person is always more into it, more groovin’ on the other, more keen about the whole thing than the other is even if it’s only by degrees. So, when election time comes around, as in “I elect to no longer be with you”, the loser may smile while the other lists all the “Dear John” reasons, but inside they are dying. Living with someone who makes you die a little bit each day is, in my book, to be avoided (like the plague or…a republican).

3. Your ex is singing the “Ain’t Got No” song from the musical “Hair”

It goes something like this: “Ain’t got no home. Ain’t got no shoes. Ain’t got no money” etc. which makes the both of you feel bad but in different ways. The one who has the home, shoes, money etc. feels a little guilty perhaps and pissed off at being taken advantage of and the one soon-to-be-without the home, shoes, money etc. is scared and desperate. But hey, that’s what relatives are for, right? To take in wayward, scared and desperate relations who have miscalculated (read: #@&*%$’d up) their lives and need get-back-on-their feet time. So, you with the home, shoes, money etc. get over the guilt and get on the horn. Translation: move it, sweetheart.

 

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:

“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
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Writing is like Improv Comedy (minus the comedy)

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relationship advice

Yes and I think I’ll be on my way now. Thankyouverymuchgoodbye.

I used to do improv—classes mostly, occasionally on stage. Improv is done without props, no scripted dialogue—everything is made up which can be incredibly freeing or akin to that floaty feeling after a round of the childhood game, who-can-out-hyperventilate-whom (if passing out was winning then the answer is: I can). When an improv scene worked—the characters were interesting, there was a beginning, middle, end—it was amazing (surely SNL would be calling). When it didn’t work, it was that dream of going to school wearing only a t-shirt that barely covers your bellybutton.

When most people hear the word “improv” they think comedy but true improv can be comedic or dramatic. It’s really just having the courage to be in the moment, to respond honestly to what you’re given and to let the scene take you where it will. It’s that Zen idea of enjoying the journey with no attachment to outcome (and good luck with that if you’re human).

To start an improv scene you are given a suggestion—a place, maybe character relationship, a situation. Then the teacher tells you to begin and it’s just you and some other schmoe up there with nothing. And did I mention people are watching? They are and they expect to be entertained. No pressure. If you think too much about it you are doomed. No wonder so many famous comedians (and writers) are drunks. In one improv class scene, I was a cashier in a store. A customer came in wanting to buy a gift for her daughter. Without preconceived thought I walked over to what immediately became a shelf and pulled out a book. Without hesitation, I read the title: Plot, Plot, Who’s Got the Plot? It got a laugh and surprised me. I was taking a screenwriting class at the time but had no story. I thought maybe the act of signing up would result in a geyser of ideas (not so much; sort of like the time I slept with notes under my pillow in lieu of studying and yes, I failed the test). So plot, or lack thereof, was peripherally on my mind and made its way into my scene which is how a line from the radio (Grandma-the-Clown is being inducted into the Circus Ring of Fame today), a man’s relationship with his love doll (a photography exhibit at SF MoMa) and the good old self-generating future machine (former-trapeze-artist-turned-workshop-writing-teacher’s exercise) have made their way into my writing.

The one basic rule of improv is Yes, and. It’s a basic agreement to agree. If your scene partner hands you a letter it’s a letter. You don’t get to change it to a ring or a cake or a sponge because you have some great idea about what you will do with a ring or a cake or a sponge. You accept the letter and get to discover what it says, who it’s from, what it means to the scene—yes, and OMG I got accepted to sorcerer’s camp or yes, and you wrote “your welcome” when it should’ve been “you’re welcome” and now we have to break up. An improviser has to trust his gut. A writer must do the same. While it’s true, a writer has the freedom to change the ring to a cake or to a sponge and back again, at some point—for the love of God!—it’s necessary to make a choice and commit. The difference with improv is choice and commitment take place instantaneously in order to move the scene along (and not bore/scare the audience with one’s neurotic inability to simply do something). And there’s the added benefit that watching someone with intention and purpose is interesting (and sometimes sexy, too, but I digress…)

Counterintuitively, when starting a scene it’s the second line of dialogue that matters, not the first. The first line is interesting mostly because someone had the guts to actually say something, anything (hearing almost any line after a period of uncomfortable silence is a relief). What follows is where story begins. So while Mother died today (Camus), They shoot the white girl first (Morrison) and Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins (Nabokov) are all captivating beginnings it’s what comes next that brings the story to life.

I’ve read stories about people (men mostly) who develop improv-like, acquired-savant creativity after being forcefully hit on the head (wives/girlfriends, do not try this at home). One guy knocked himself silly after diving into a pool and the next thing you know he was a piano-playing prodigy (with a day job, finally; thank you Universe for small miracles), another, beaten by muggers, could draw mathematically-accurate fractals by hand (hand-drawn fractals folks! get your hand-drawn frac…), while a third, hit on the head with a baseball as a child, could recount the weather, the day of the week and what he was doing for any specific date (not October 5, 1983 again). Clearly, there are creative centers in the brain. Some people’s get tapped more than others. Until a piano falls on my head or I slip on a banana peel I’ll have to keep at my writing the only way I know how, by sitting down with hope on one side and fear on the other (and a nice, long t-shirt and pair of pants in my bag, just in case).

 

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:
“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
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The Good Breakup (as if there were such a thing)

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relationship advice

The person you dump today is someone else’s love tomorrow. I know!

We’re coming up on that wonderful time of year again when everywhere you turn it’s love, love, LOVE! Beautiful displays of artery-clogging candy and bounteous bouquets of blood, red roses. I’m talking Valentine’s Day—yay! Or, actually, not “yay” because this year, you’re nobody’s Valentine—the two of you broke up, remember?

I am a recovering pessimist (on Step 4) and no one has ever mistaken me for Pollyanna (even from the back), but, believe it or not, I have a few positive things to say about breaking up. And if someone like me can view breaking up through the eyes of a sugar plum fairy well, who better to give a listen to?

Like coping with the aftermath of a bad haircut, breakups put your life on hold for a good, long while as you figure out how you’re going to venture out in public looking like Elvira (on a good day) or Emo Phillips on any day. While it may not make your hair grow faster or your heart heal that much quicker, using post breakup time for positive action and reflection pays off in the long run. And, if nothing else, it will make you a hell of a lot more pleasant to be around and that’s just plain good for the environment.

Unless you’re already perfect, here are five (5) ways to make the most of breaking up before, during and after (also known as “always”):

  1. Dump Others as You Would Have Them Dump You.

Ending a relationship? End it with grace. If you were together long enough to get up close and personal don’t disa-*&%$#ing-ppear. Don’t screen your calls. Don’t end it via email. Grow a spine and be remembered as the nice dumper. If you’re the dumpee, save the ranting and raving for your soon-to-be, endless alone time.

  1. The Last Supper (or lunch).

Closure—the final frontier! It’s what every human, or at least every she-human, needs to move on. Set a time to have that final meeting. Make a list of all the questions you have (check it twice). If you‘re the answerer, answer kindly (remember, a white lie is technically not a lie). If you’re the asker, ask your questions and be DONE (no whining or begging please)!

  1. It Takes Two to Sumo.

Whether you were a total jerk (or just a partial one) each party plays some role in the relationship’s demise. Now that the dust has settled time to think on your behavior. Are you proud of the way you conducted yourself or did you come out fighting with a diaper on? Learn from your mistakes so you can move on and make new ones.

  1. Fair Weather Friend Forecast.

During the course of your relationship were you lame and neglectful of your friends? If so, time to consult your Girl Scout handbook and make amends: “make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold.” Remember, take the “L” out of “lover” and it’s over, but take the “L” out of “friend” and it’s still…friend.

  1. If I Only Had a…Fat Ass.

There is never a better time for self improvement than after a break up. Progress lifts the forlorn spirit. Improvement can be physical (swimming, yoga, haircolor “Just for Men”), mental (poetry, eugenics, Sanskrit) or spiritual (church, tarot, disco). Self improvement is good for you and, if you ever run into your ex, they will see your new, fabulous self and eat their collective hearts out: win win!

 

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:
“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
http://laurieslovelogic.com

Answering the Call of the…Laundry

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Relationship advice

Yoo hoo, yes, the button-down swinging in the breeze is calling…

I’m a writer. It’s a love/hate relationship. I’ve been loving and hating it for more than 15 years now. I think most artists experience an internal tug-of-war around creativity. The key is to know yourself and process well enough so you can run an end game around that which tries to thwart you.

After all these years, I have a solid handle on my process. It goes something like this:

I’ve worked all week, the weekend is here and I can’t wait to get some words on the page. I paid my bills, went for a hike with a friend, fed and walked the dog and even glam’d up a bit (translation: I showered). I now have three solid uninterrupted hours ahead of me with which to get quiet and create. Ahh.

But wait. What’s that I hear? Is that…no, can’t be, but yes, yes, I’m quite sure of it now. I hear the unmistakeable sound of laundry calling! Did I say calling? I mean yelling. It’s as if the pile in my laundry basket is a Bon Jovi concert screaming their collective hearts out. And as everyone knows, laundry waits for no man.

So, I run upstairs, gather up a load of darks and toss them in the wash (just in time, whew!) Hey, no big deal, took ten minutes. And look at me, multi-tasker extraordinaire—now I can (pretend to) write and get my clothes clean au même temps (that’s French for: this is me procrastinating).

Ok, so with laundry safely in the wash I can now sit down and write. Great. I put on some lip balm, grab a bottle of water, get a Trader Joe’s ginger chew for me and a chicken stick for the dog and head back downstairs to git ‘er done! But wait, ugh, I don’t have my favorite pen (yes, I write longhand and yes, I have indoor plumbing). Ok there, got it—I’m all set. I’m in my favorite chair with my spiral bound notebook open to a brand spanking new blank page. Let’s begin.

Do do do. Hm hm. Tick tock. Mm, that ginger chew was good. I sure would like another. I should get one so I stop thinking about it and can concentrate. And just like that I’m off. Out of the chair. Racing back upstairs. You know the rest.

After 15 years of these shenanigans I’m onto this part of me. I call her Nagitha. When I feel Nagitha coming for a visit I do not pass go, I do not collect $200. Instead, I immediately pack my bags and go…to the library.

I heart the library. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

  1. You can’t procrastinate at the library. Well, sure you can, but at the library it’s much harder—no call of the laundry, no scratching the dog’s belly. And, for whatever reason, at the library a lovely creative calm comes over me that I never experience when trying to write at home.
  2. Writing can be a lonely business, but at the library, among the many, I don’t feel alone. I get to experience being with people without having to really be with them (Jeopardy answer: what is an introvert?)
  3. People read in the library—real live people sit in chairs with real live books in their hands. This sight makes me feel like maybe reading isn’t as dead as people say which means maybe thoughtful writing isn’t going the way of Wooly Mammoth. Maybe writing books on cell phones with abbreviations and no punctuation isn’t the wave of the future after all…

So, what is your internal thwarter? What keeps you from painting that canvas, writing that song, designing that clothing line or whatever creative endeavor you feel called to do? Because when a creative person doesn’t create it’s like a flower that doesn’t bloom, a sun that does not shine, a record (what’s that?) that never gets played. Over time, there is a deadening to the spirit, a flattening to the soul. Don’t let this happen!

Take your creative life seriously, make it important, identify your Nagitha and when you do, shake hands with it, say: oh, I know you. Then be the boss and send it on its merry way.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I hear the dishes calling.

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:
“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
http://laurieslovelogic.com

My post first appeared on http://www.goalscommunity.com/articles/answering-the-call

 

 

 

I am Bi-lingual Thanks to Craig’s List

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relationship advice

Craig’s List meet Relationship Advice. Relationship Advice meet Craig’s List.

While most people think “toe tag” when they hear about meeting random men on Craig’s List, I actually met someone and lived to tell about it. In fact, I not only lived to tell about it I can tell you about it in both French and English.

I spent my junior year of high school in northern France. I lived with a French family while attending an American school. It was supeur chouette. That was (cough) many years ago. The year I left I took the AP exam and never spoke French again.

Fast forward (cough) many years. I admired a woman in my office who spoke flawless English as well as her native language. I had been looking for an intellectual challenge and thought why not resurrect my French language skills. While French in the U.S. is about as useful as Pig Latin I figured it was easier than starting from scratch. My hope was that somewhere in the loop-de-loops of my brain matter a small French file existed just waiting to be downloaded.

I signed up for a beginning French class and went on Craig’s List for a language exchange partner under Community > Activities. Side note: I live in southern California. Under Orange County > Community > Activities you will find volleyball, personal training and volleyball, but under Paris > Community > Activities you can find an endless number of people looking to do language exchange especially with people who speak American English (as opposed to British English which if I “spoke” I think would give me a better dating life, but that’s another story for another time).

Language exchange is like that game where two people join hands, lean back and spin in circles. The equal yet opposite tension keeps both parties from flying off into the universe and disappearing. Same with sharing language skills. If one person is strong and the other weak then the balance is off. The one gets bored while the other can’t understand a thing you’re saying. I mean how many times in a row can you say, Quoi? (the correct answer is seven).

Enter Henri and Ètienne, both married with kids. After three months Henri and I parted ways. More often that not he couldn’t make our scheduled skype sessions. He and his wife and teenage kids were always running off to their house in the country as Parisians are wont to do. But Ètienne, with three tots under the age of five, was stuck in his apartment “like a prisoner” (direct quote). Tant pis for him and hourrah for moi is what I say.

This January marks year three of my friendship with Ètienne. We talk twice a week for one hour—half in French, half in English. My vocabulary has increased exponentially and my overall ability is well, très haut. I know the difference between a wink and glance and that in France Mr. Potato Head is known as M. Patate. And I just plain stay away from the word “baiser” since as a verb it’s carnal and nasty while as a noun it’s an innocent kiss (who wants to eff that up?)

Six months ago I had the pleasure of meeting Ètienne, his wife and three prison guards while vacationing in Paris. It was a lot of fun to meet in 3D, to see where he lives and the park where he takes his kids. In fact his son’s birthday was today and I emailed him a bon anniversaire. Vive la France! And merci Craig’s List.

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:
“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
http://laurieslovelogic.com

Single on Valentine’s Day!

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relationship advice

I love meh. I love meh not.

We’re coming up on that wonderful time of year again when everywhere you turn it’s love, love, LOVE! Beautiful displays of artery-clogging candy and bounteous bouquets of blood, red roses. I’m talking Valentine’s Day—yay! Or, actually, not “yay” because this year, you’re nobody’s Valentine—the two of you broke up, remember? Well here’s my relationship advice to you:

I am a recovering pessimist (on Step 8) and no one has ever mistaken me for Pollyanna (even from the back), but, believe it or not, I have a few positive things to say about the state-of-the-nonunion on Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re already circus-idiot happy about your singlehood, here are five (5) great tips for finding yourself alone on the day that everybody’s coupled off:

  • Will You Be Thine—So, you’re single, big whoop. So’s half the married population. Point is don’t go thinking you’re the creature from the chocolate lagoon just because you don’t have someone to heart right this minute. Don’t get sucked into the Valentine’s day vortex and believe all the sugar-coated propaganda. Don’t forget who we’re talking about here: fabulous YOU! Your fabulousess does not fluctuate with the presence or absence of a valentine. It’s inside you and here to stay. Remember that and buy yourself a bouquet you really like.
  • Throw Yourself a Vity Party (Valentine’s Day pity party)—feeling a little sorry for yourself? Acknowledge those feelings so you can be done with them and move on! Vity party favorites include making a drawing of your sad-cat feelings, putting it in a cast iron pot and sending those negative vibes away with the flick of a match. The truth will set you free.
  • Celebrate Good (and single) times. COME ON!—Relationships that work do not end. If yours did (for whatever reason), it wasn’t working. Thank the break-up god you are no longer in a non-working relationship and are now available for The One that will. From this perspective, Valentine’s Day is a day of national singles’ celebration! Rock on!
  • Give Yourself a Goodie…or three— Don’t wait around for someone to give you what you want. Give it to yourself. Avoid crowds and notorious romantic zones on the big day, but pamper yourself nonetheless. How about a pedicure, a facial or a massage? Enjoy your favorite DVD with a steaming mug of your favorite coffee or tea or download the latest hot tunes onto your iPod and have an energizing jog in the park. Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you!
  • Demand and You Shall Receive—Are you clear on your hopes and dreams? Do you know what you really want in a mate? Make your intentions known. Put your true desires out into the universe with a no-holds-barred, prince charming “treasure map”. Write out the top ten things you want in life and then bury it, like a time capsule, in the back of your underwear drawer. Be very concrete and then…fuhgetaboutit at least until the next time you go digging for that sexy thong.

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:
“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
http://laurieslovelogic.com

The Woman You Dump Today is the Bride of Someone Else Tomorrow

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relationship advice

He dumps her and she dumps him but he dumps somebody else you just can’t win…

So, you’ve dated a certain wom
an long enough to call her your “girlfriend”. Fast forward a bit and now you’ve dated her long enough to call her your “ex girlfriend”. Congratulations, sort of.

Time to slip-out-the-back-Jack except if you’ve dated long enough to do the deed and use the g-word, slipping-out-back isn’t really so pretty now is it. “Millions of guys do it. Why shouldn’t I?” True, but think about it: the woman you dump today is someone else’s bride of tomorrow. And vice versa. That’s right, some other guy right now is preparing to dump your future girlfriend/wife/alimony payee. Better hope he’s reading this article and letting her down easy, right? Save yourself and your fellow man a lot of future fallout by taking a moment to review these simple revitalized dumping clichés, I mean pointers.

Cliché #1: It’s not you, it’s me.

This tried and true phrase is a catch all for when that certain je ne sais quoi (translation: I can no longer stand you) is missing from the union. Use this phrase only if you’ve been dating six months or less (any longer and you’ll appear lame and insincere like the lame-and-insincere cad you are :)

Try instead: It’s not you, it’s us.

Sure, it’s close but there is a subtle and serious literary distinction here. Instead of referring to yourselves as two distinct individuals, you’ve introduced a third party: the two of you together. Akin to the “royal we” (aka majestic plural) you’re now speaking for yourself as well as the entity to which you subscribe. So, if you, as an individual, don’t feel the two of you is working and you, as representative of the two of you together, don’t feel the two of you is working well, that’s two against one and who can argue that?

Cliché #2: I need space.

“I need space” is the weenie’s precursor to “It’s not you, it’s us” (the phrase formerly known as “It’s not you, it’s me”). Weenie-ism aside, “I need space” is used when, for whatever reason, the relationship isn’t working, but you want to leave the door open in case you can’t find somebody better before you desperately need to hide the salami. P.S. If a relationship is working you don’t need to “take space” because you are able to lovingly negotiate all the space you need within the confines of the relationship. Oh right, that.

Try instead: I have a unique opportunity to do X and so I’m going to have to break our plans. (repeat as necessary)

This is a wonderful passive/aggressive tactic:

  • Passive because by breaking plans in advance for a “unique opportunity” you appear rather innocent while your motivation is anything but and
  • Aggressive because by simply taking space instead of announcing the need for it you are a man of action.

Practiced enough over time, in rapid succession, this tactic is guaranteed to set you and your weenie free.

Cliché #3: I love you, but I’m not in love with you.

Hold it right there mister. Never use this phrase as it is more toxic than polonium-210. No woman ever recovers from it (see dumping someone else’s bride). Immediately strike it from your long-, short- and in-between-term memory; do not ever use it with anything remotely sentient/conscious. The idiot who coined this phrase foolishly jumped into something super quick because there was serious chemistry and…then there wasn’t it. Or he knew the whole thing was wrong from the start but stayed (and stayed) because he couldn’t be alone, hoped it’d get better, she was great in the sack or all of the above. Shame on him for having the emotional life of a paramecium and saying, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

Try instead:  We’ve had some amazing times together that I will never forget but I don’t feel we have enough in common to move forward.

Women will argue this one (sorry). For every commonality she mentions simply nod knowingly—do not speak. She’ll soon tire. If she’s extremely tenacious occasionally say, “Hm.” If she keeps arguing, point out how much she likes to argue and you…don’t. Ciao bella.

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:
“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
http://laurieslovelogic.com

 

Ah, Go Unstuck Yourself (a series) – reach out and touch someone

http://laurieslovelogic.com

 

relationship advice

The inventor of the smiley face? You!

Goal attainment is a delicate balance of focus and perspective. Too much self focus (me, me, I heart me) and you stop getting invited to parties. Too much perspective (why bother, it’s all been done before) and all you do is eat bon bons all day. When I get laser-focused on trying to attain, when my world becomes the size of my overly contemplated belly-button, when caught in a fit of the mental twirlsies it’s then I know it’s time for a reality check. And when I say reality I mean it, as in get off the keyboard and into three dimensions. I know!

When you need to get out of your head, as we all do at times, I recommend unplugging from the net and plugging into the world at large or, as I like to say, reach out and touch someone. Well, not literally, or you might get arrested, but the next time you’re out, smile at five complete strangers (yes, including that guy or girl you’ve had your eye because why not?).

Studies show controlling the face controls the mind and therefore facial expression can influence mood. In February 2009, psychologists at the University of Cardiff in Wales found that people whose frown muscles were deadened by Botox were happier and less anxious than those who hadn’t had the wrinkle treatment (any study that encourages the use of Botox is a favorite study of mine).

I’m not advocating walking around smiling like a circus idiot, but if I’m feeling stuck in my own Private Idaho I make a point of connecting, i.e. literally making eye contact with a live human being and smiling more, especially at strangers. Sometimes I force myself to strike up random conversation at Starbucks or while waiting for a light to turn. People can’t seem to help but respond and smile back and that just feels good. Sounds a bit simple I know but you might just be surprised at the results. Put it on your to-do list along with researching wormhole travel and starting a decoupage club.

 

My post first appeared on http://www.goalscommunity.com/articles/smile-more

 

In need of life, dating and relationship advice? If you liked this post drop me a line, post a comment, tell your friends and check out my latest book: “There’s a Pattern Here & It Ain’t Glen Plaid,”:
“. . . laugh-out-loud funny . . . great practical suggestions . . . A quirky, earnest guide to regaining self-esteem for the modern woman.”  —Kirkus Review
Thanks!
@LoveLogicLaurie
http://laurieslovelogic.com