|
Who Moved my Self Esteem?
Think back, way back, to the last time you had a shred of self worth. The last time you thought you were "all that". When you last hummed, "don't you wish your girlfriend were hot like me"! Because you had it once, right?
Unless you were raised by corn chances are, there was a time, you thought you were The Sh*t, if even for a nanosecond. Someone at some point in your upbringing lavished praise on you for something you did and that just plain made you feel good. Chances are you didn't get enough "hooray you!" but that's the memory lane we're sweeping here.
Sometimes you have to look waaaay back to find your early proud moments, the foundation of your "happy place" like the first time you:
- Read Mrs. Duck's Lovely Day out loud and your kindergarten teacher gave you a gold star,
- Threw a front handspring without splatting as onlookers cheered or
- Bought a Hello Kitty ® t-shirt with earnings from your paper route and friends asked if they could borrow it.
Point is, even if things seem crappy now they weren't always that way. There was a time, B.C. (Before Crappy), maybe in a land far, far away, when you knew you had inherent value because, early on, someone celebrated you thereby teaching you to celebrate yourself. It was a given, something you just knew like the half-life of a Peep ® = infinity. It's time to get that knowing back.
The process of relocating your self-esteem is three-fold:
- Repetition, a reminding over time,
- Awareness through analogies (yes, analogies) and
- Integration, a telling that turns to knowing.
1. Repetition
When we're sick of suffering, we change. Sounds simple, huh? Thing is we don't get sick of suffering very quickly which is kind of amazing since suffering blows, but given enough opportunities to complain about the same thing a light goes on:
• Opportunity #1 (this is you complaining, perhaps to yourself, most likely to a friend): rassa frassa, he did, and I said and then he, which I couldn't believe and then I and blah, blah, blah.
• Opportunity #28 (this is you still complaining to your poor friend): rassa frassa, he did, and I said and then he which I couldn't believe and then I.this sounds vaguely familiar. Was this a scene from Desperate Housewives ?
• Opportunity #163 (OMG, believe it or not, this is you still complaining definitely to yourself because your friend passed out forty-eight opportunities ago): rassa frassa, he did, and I said and then he which I couldn't believe and then I.hey, wait a minute.I could write for Desperate Housewives !
Your friends, if any will still take your calls, get sick of you repeating yourself way before you ever will-it's the gift of the outsider's perspective. Only for your friends, it's no gift and eventually they will tell you either in words or with their feet (bye bye). Then you'll be on to yourself, too. You'll still be miserable, but a tiny light will go on cluing you in to what the whole universe already knows: something needs to change.
Guess what that something is? You! Yeah, you! (p.s. you will never change anyone but yourself, ever, so may I suggest you stop trying, starting now.)
Ok, so repetition has worked its magic, the bell has gone off: "I'm sick of suffering. I need to change." This is progress (give yourself a goodie) and then settle in for round two: how to rise like a phoenix out of the primordial ooze and reclaim your value.
Ok, but how?
With awareness through analogies, of course!
2. Awareness through analogies
Every so often someone says something in such a way that you "get" it: click! It's like meeting someone in the neighborhood you've never seen before and then seeing them everywhere. They're on your radar now so they register whereas before they weren't and so they didn't. Same thing with the click. Once you're aware of repeating your not-so-pretty personal patterns, life provides ample opportunity to practice changing them.
Self-awareness is a slooooow process. Sort of like trying to drive while focused on the rear view mirror-tough to see where you're going when all you're looking at is where you've been, a real mind bend. But have courage! Have patience and commitment. Be kind to yourself and those around you (ie, give your friends a day off here and there.) Most importantly, know. Know you're on the right path, trust your gut and be open to the unexpected.
3. Integration
And if you thought awareness was slow going get out the molasses for integration. If awareness was going forwards while looking back, then integration requires one eye looking back, one eye looking forward and another "eye" firmly planted for reflection (yes, that "eye").
Integration means taking responsibility for actions that may have landed you in less-than-pleasant circumstances and changing those circumstances for the better. Integration requires awareness in the moment. In real time you must clue in to your pattern and then change the pattern (place kaliope music here).
An example is a typical conversation or fight you have with your mate or parent or friend etc. Let's call it conversation/fight #22. While you're #22'ing, instead of saying your lines, you recognize what's going on and you stop. Instead, you say something like, "Hmm, seems we're doing #22 again. I don't care to participate in this circular dialogue anymore. Excuse me while I get a salt scrub."
True integration is very empowering-oh boy, look what I did! Instead of complaining I took action and made things better for myself. HOORAY! And, at the same time, very humbling-oh boy, look what I did (in the past)! I totally &%$*#'d up and made a mess of things because I thought too little of myself to strive for something better.
Believe it or not, that's a hooray, too, maybe an even a bigger one because admitting faults and taking responsibility for our behavior requires great courage and maturity. These traits allow us to act from a position of strength, not weakness-we know what we're doing and why! That, my friend, is the beginning of true freedom.
f
Tune in next week for Part 3:
The Crappy Relationship Club! -who's the leader of the club
that's made for you and you?
|
