Love Advice

Am I in a Crappy Relationship (or is the crappy relationship in me)?

Since April 1999, I've written Laurie's LoveLogic, an online love column. I've heard from literally thousands of heartbroken women in subpar, limp-a-long relationships. They question if what they perceive as so wrong is somehow...right. Seems they sense, in their heart or gut or third eye (that'd be the yogic one in your forehead, not the one you're sitting on), that drug dealing, cheating, jail and general disrespectful treatment are not on the top-ten, excellent-qualities-in-a-mate list. But just to be sure they write in to a perfect stranger (me!) and ask.

It's like knowing spoiled milk is spoiled but wanting third-party, rancid confirmation: "Ew, smell this!" Well, no, thank you, I say. I fully trust in your ability to identify stench when you smell (or live) it even if you don't trust yourself. So, along the lines of the Wizard of Oz, I hereby deem you a full-fledged Member of the Putrid Dairy Board (certificate and t-shirt available for $9.95 including shipping and handling).

After receiving email after email like this I was amazed. I mean, I knew some of my and my girlfriends' relationships were funky but women everywhere? This is not the 1950s when women were financially dependent on bullying men. Today, women have choices, but instead they're selling themselves short. This is no good! So, instead of telling one person one at a time by email I figured I'd tell all ten of you reading this book.

It's important to note, this series of articles is not about saving rocky relationships. Say, for whatever reasons, the two of you make each other's existence a living hell, but it's an equal partnership, a 50/50 joint venture. That's nice, but save it for Dr. Phil because I'm not interested. In fact, I'm not the least bit interested in the other person in your relationship. I am only interested in you and your relationship with yourself. And guess what? You should be aware of and tend to your relationship (with yourself) whether you are single or coupled or tripled or however you choose to be in the world.

Relationship with yourself. Wha? Huh? Sounds a bit new agey, doesn't it? You're bracing for the patchouli, right? Well, don't. Instead, think of it like this: Let's pretend you are a boat on the big, blue sea. All the people in your life are separate boats out at sea with you. Everyone's having a great time riding the waves, enjoying the ocean air. Ahh, life is good! For whatever reason, you've allowed one of these boats to keep your anchor-great idea as long as the weather cooperates and everyone is on the same course, but what happens when a squall comes up, unexpectedly, out of nowhere, as squalls do? You need to drop anchor, get grounded to ride out the storm but, oops, your anchor is on another boat and that boat is incommunicado. Ruh roh. There you are, tossed at sea, headed god knows where and pissed off at the boat that has your anchor. But you gave that boat your anchor. What were you thinking?

The majority of women grow up looking for their inner security and sense of well being (their "anchor", wink wink) outside themselves, typically to a love relationship with a man 1 . Man comes, self-esteem comes-you're walking on sunshine! Man goes, literally or figuratively, self-esteem goes-you're walking where the sun don't shine. Because a strong sense of self is never internalized, the cycle of searching for and losing the man who supposedly has your anchor is endless. Unfortunately, the pain and loneliness are endless, too.

This is a desperate state to be in. Not surprisingly, people in desperate states don't make well thought out decisions (think Florida and Ohio). Search for love when you're desperate and you're almost guaranteed to meet Mr. Crappo and his overseas cousin Sir Ap-cray. When you do, run like hell.

But there's hope! Learn to keep your anchor with you. Internalize a strong, healthy sense of self and self love and you will be calm, confident and a much more discerning mate seeker, for a women who truly values herself will find a man who values her.

And that's the gist of this series of articles. If you were looking for another gist please log off and try How to Find a Man in 60 Seconds or maybe it's called The 60-second Man , I can't remember.

Just in case you're still not ready to admit you are suffering from a crappy relationship I've compiled a list of common deal-breaking relationship violations. Sometimes when you see you've "made the cut" it becomes that much more real. You feel special (in a bizarre way you'd only admit to your shrink) and then empowered to take action.

You know you're in a crappy relationship when:

He only calls when he's on the road "returning calls".
After being an hour late without phoning, his apology maker, in need of repair, sounds like this: "Yeah, I know. That's just how my work is."
You ask him if he ever thinks about what the two of you talk about when you're not together and he says, "No."
You are fourth or further on his "to do" list, ie "Let's play squash at 9p after my Iron John meeting."
He sleeps with someone else and says it will never happen again (with that girl).
He tells you his wife divorced him because she was too insecure.
He drives a Porsche to make up for his dick that, when you hold it in your hand, all your fingers wrap around it.twice.
He used to court you with flowers; now he apologizes with them again and again.
His idea of relaxing is beer: all six of them.
He withholds sex and then you find him in a private spank session.
His idea of a compliment is: "You look nicer than you did last night."
He buys sixteen hotdogs from the bikinied Czech girl on the beach, sixteen separate times.
His yearly expenditure on you is less than the GDP of East Timor.

I think you get the picture and congrats if you made the list-you know who you are! So, things are crappy. Yay! I mean "yay" because now you've got the perfect book for just that situation in your hands. Help is on the way.

Tune in next week for Part 2: Who Moved My Self Esteem?

1 PC note: Do lesbians do this? I don't know, ask one.